What One Thing?—Stop Abandoning Yourself for Approval

What happens when achievement, people-pleasing and resilience become ways of proving that we are worthy?

Megan Miller, founder and CEO of Unleashed Leadership, joins What One Thing? host JT Long to explore the small, often unnoticed ways people abandon themselves in pursuit of approval.

Miller explains how those patterns can appear through performing, pleasing or protecting, and why awareness is the first step toward changing them. She also shares how intentional morning rituals, thoughtful pauses and everyday acts of self-advocacy helped her rebuild her relationship with herself.

From speaking up in a meeting to waiting before answering a difficult email, Miller shows how seemingly minor decisions can strengthen self-trust and change how we lead, work and connect with others.

JT Long Welcome back to What One Thing?, a Smart Meetings podcast that provides a shortcut to the top of the events world by asking successful people what made the difference in their careers and lives. I’m JT Long, vice president and content director at Smart Meetings. Today, Megan Miller, founder and CEO of Unleashed Leadership, is here to tell us how to unleash everything inside you. Welcome to the podcast, Megan.

Megan Miller JT, I am so happy to be here. To everyone listening, if you want to change what you think is possible for yourself, elevate the content you consume and the people you stand beside, then watch what happens. I am grateful to be part of this community.

JL You are changing lives. Take us through your journey. When did you know you were meant for more?

MM Reflection is such a gift, but we rarely allow ourselves to do it because we are already living in the next 24 hours and giving our attention to the highest bidder. I knew for a long time that I was meant for more. I felt like a caged animal looking for someone else to unlock the door when I had the key the whole time. For 42 years, I looked to the outside world for approval and validation that I was enough. I was raised by a strong single mother, and as a young girl I felt responsible for her happiness. I was not good at school. I was a C student and the chubby girl picked last for dodgeball. When I entered the working world, hospitality was the first thing that made me feel I had something to contribute.

MM We talk about people-pleasing in hospitality, but not always about the root of it. Many of us want the approval of other people. Tell me I am worthy. Tell me I am good. Pick me, approve me, love me. For 15 years, I was rewarded for that through my career. The harder you work and the more you give yourself away, the more accolades you receive. I became the number one salesperson in the organization and rose through the ranks. For a long time, I tried to make myself fit into a space I had outgrown.

At the height of my career, running sales for a billion-dollar organization, I had what I can now recognize as a mental breakdown in my car. I had told myself I was OK for so long when I was not. I remember thinking, “It was supposed to be more than this.” That breakdown became a breakthrough. I began working on the woman I had never learned how to talk to, the woman I had spent my whole life running from: myself. This became my calling to women to stop abandoning themselves for approval and begin choosing themselves.

JL You had to reach that breaking point. Is there a way to make the change before getting there?

MM It depends on the person. For me, I do not think I would be here without that low. We stay in situations that are comfortable, and comfort can become a villain. It says, “Come in, it is safe here,” while quietly suffocating your potential. We often do not step out from under that blanket until the pain becomes too much.

JL Part of it may not be what we are doing, such as excelling and working hard, but why we are doing it. The same action has a different impact on the nervous system when it comes from inside rather than from a need for outside approval.

MM That is the power of intention. When I began working on myself 10 years ago, I had to get honest about the weighted backpack I had been carrying and find the courage to put it down and look inside. Over time, I loved my job more, found the partner I was meant to find, felt more confident in my body and healed family relationships. None of the outside circumstances had changed. What changed was how I entered the room.

MM It began with being intentional about my mornings. Three minutes of what you consume can affect you for seven to eight hours. Think about what you do first when you open your eyes. Do you pick up your phone, scan email, check social media or turn on the news? I decided to use those first three minutes to hear myself before letting the rest of the world in. I asked: What is one thing I would regret not doing today? What is one act of kindness I can do for someone else? Then I became intentional about the content I consumed. If it did not elevate or motivate me, I removed it.

JL Was that how you began to come back from the low moment? What did the process feel like?

MM For me, it has always been pen to paper, although it could be the notes app or anything that helps you hear yourself. This morning I wrote, “I can see your strength and resilience, and it is beautiful to witness. I never thought we would be here 10 years ago, leading a global movement for women. I really like you.” For so long, I did not know myself. Learning to give myself the validation I had sought from others felt like freedom.

MM What changed everything were micro-moment decisions. I stopped editing myself in emails. If I had something to say in a meeting but thought, “Who am I to say it?” I said it anyway. At conferences, when someone asked whether anyone had a question, I raised my hand. People later came up and thanked me for saying what they had been thinking. Self-advocacy is a muscle. It is not even about how your words are received. It is about advocating for yourself.

JL You gave yourself permission to speak up.

MM Exactly, and it extends beyond work. In my marriage, my husband usually controls the remote. At the end of the day, I often say I do not care what we watch. One night, I saw a Lainey Wilson documentary and said, “Put that on.” I was proud of myself because there was a time when I would not have advocated for what I wanted.

MM On a flight, I decided to treat myself to a Biscoff cookie. The flight attendant accidentally passed me, and for 30 minutes I sat there thinking, “Ask for the cookie. It is right there.” I did not ask. These are the small ways we edit ourselves in our jobs, caregiving, relationships and everyday lives. My challenge is to make one decision in the next 24 hours and ask: Am I making this decision for someone else’s approval or for myself? Then act.

JL Thank you for sharing examples where, even after years of work, you still have those conversations with yourself. We should not beat ourselves up when we do not get it right every time.

MM It requires constant vigilance. On Mother’s Day, I thought I should call my stepmother even though the relationship is triggering for me. I thought, “It will make her feel good.” Then I chose not to abandon myself to make someone else comfortable. It felt uncomfortable, and I have been doing this work for 10 years. It begins with awareness. We want to fly immediately to a solution, but we cannot solve what we are not aware of. Approval, validation, love and worthiness from others have been fed to us all our lives. It takes time to detox from that.

JL Meeting professionals are often Type A and people-pleasers. The industry is fulfilling, but how can we stop performing for approval and choose real impact when making decisions?

MM There is nothing wrong with being Type A or ambitious. But when you are applauded for being a performer, it helps to understand where you go when life becomes uncomfortable. At Unleashed, our research identified three primary ways women abandon themselves for approval: the performer, the pleaser and the protector. Listeners can take our 60-second assessment in the show notes to identify their primary pattern.

MM The performer seeks validation through work and achievement. For a long time, work was the lever I thought I could control and the lover that would not leave me. When life became uncomfortable, I ran to email and tried to fix something. One woman told me that after her husband died, she went to work because it was where she knew how to receive validation.

MM The pleaser morphs into the rooms she enters to be liked and approved of. It can be saying, “I am just like you,” pretending to like the same things or changing the clothes you wear depending on the room. The protector masks and shields parts of herself because feeling the emotions seems harder. One woman told me she had not cried in front of her daughter for 15 years because she thought it was weakness. For me, strength had become tied to how much I could endure.

JL What can listeners do once they identify the pattern?

MM First, take the assessment and become aware of where you go when you feel uncomfortable. Second, become intentional about who surrounds you. We can become the solutionist for everything at work, at home and in our families, then fail to notice that we have isolated ourselves from women who can advocate for us and help us see what we cannot see in ourselves. Solo can become sabotage.

It is OK to evolve who stands beside you as you evolve. If you see someone on LinkedIn sharing something honest that resonates with you, or you feel jealous because she is doing what you wish you could do, do not run from that feeling. Reach out. Jealousy can be a sign pointing toward what you want. One of my advisers helped triple our business numbers in four weeks, and that relationship began because she posted something on LinkedIn and I sent her a voice note telling her I loved her work.

JL Being intentional about who you interact with helps everyone improve. It becomes a win-win.

MM I was recently in a room with Carhartt CEO Linda Hubbard, who said she waits 24 hours before saying yes to many things. She lets the request sit and allows intuition to guide whether it aligns with what she wants and who she wants to become. We rush through emails because someone is waiting, but a message does not automatically require an immediate response. It is OK to sit with it and respond intentionally.

I once spent six months working with a woman to bring Unleashed into her community. Near the finish line, she told me the budget was not approved. I was angry and ready to send a quick response. Instead, I waited 24 hours so I could answer in alignment with myself rather than from fear. The next morning, I called her and said, “That must have been defeating for you because you were so excited to bring this to the women in your orbit.” We had an honest conversation, and within two weeks we booked something else together. That is the power of intentionally curating a response. The outcome can be better than the result of a knee-jerk reaction.

JL You were able to have empathy for her because you first had empathy for yourself.

MM Yes. We are all trying to do more with less and navigating fear and uncertainty at work and at home. We outsource so much of ourselves to AI, other people’s perceptions and what we see around us. But the energy you intentionally bring into a room is a magnetic force that AI cannot write for you. It is not on a spreadsheet or in an RFP, but it is powerful. Wear the outfit you want to wear. Take the microphone and say the thing. Put yourself in the room even when you want to cocoon. There is magic waiting on the other side of that decision.

JL We brought you to What One Thing? to ask for the one thing you have done that can make a difference in the lives and careers of the Smart Meetings community. What is yours?

MM I became intentional about the content I consumed and the people I stood beside. If they did not have a life I wanted, I removed myself from the room.

JL Curate the spaces where you can reach your goals.

MM Yes, and be intentional about what you consume. At night, when you are exhausted and scrolling, notice whether the content makes you feel worse. If it does, unfollow it. In overwhelm and uncertainty, it is easy to feel powerless, but you have choices. Choosing yourself begins in micro-moment decisions, including what you listen to first thing in the morning and what you consume before bed.

MM One thing that changed how I slept was putting my phone in the bathroom and keeping a notebook beside the bed. When ideas came, I wrote them down rather than reaching for the phone. I also asked myself, “What are three wins from today?” These small decisions changed how I slept.

JL That is powerful. Thank you for spending time with us, Megan Miller, and for giving us the gift of knowing ourselves better. We will include the assessment in the show notes. Thank you to everyone listening. We know your time is valuable, and we appreciate that you spent it here. We hope you heard one thing you can take with you to make a difference. Have a brilliant day, and we will catch you next time.